Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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