I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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