Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
