just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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