i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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