I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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