either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
