Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
