I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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