I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
