This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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