You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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