she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize