Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
