I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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