i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
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