Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
