I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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