the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
