Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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