I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
