My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
