i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
