I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
