i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
