I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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