The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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