I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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