she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
