remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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