I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
