I wish I could teleport
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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