I heard we made out
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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