dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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