I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm passing your future prison.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
