why im i the only drunk person in the library?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
