i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dick very happy bro
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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