so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just made my gag reflex go away.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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