saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
