i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
