Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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