There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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