dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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