it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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