yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So drunk its hurt
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
