There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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