Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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