I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
