Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
