My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize