Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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