: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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