I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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