I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
