Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
