i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
