She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
